:: Track Zero ::

:: Thursday, May 08, 2003 ::

:: 7:58 PM :: 0 comments ::

something i once wrote...

about six posts down, you'll see a post on red bull and penguins. here's a letter i once sent to them, saved by a friend of mine, re-quoted to me today. this was from just over two years ago..it's one of the funnier things i think i ever wrote to a company. they liked it, too...it was posted on their website, and they even sent me a half case of the mints one time...anyway, here 'tis.

Hey there,

Just wanted to express my thanks. Your caffeinated peppermints have saved my
relationship, and maybe even my life. Perhaps this sounds like a bit of an
overstatement in what you may perceive as a blatant attempt to get my
testimonial posted to your website and score a case of the delicious
life-giving mints. It is a blatant attempt, but not entirely an
overstatement, so let me elaborate.

You see, my fiancé, we'll call her "Amy," since that's her name, has this
weird addiction to matching furniture, functional kitchen appliances, and
dinner napkins color-coordinated to the tablecloth. Personally, I don't
understand it...All I need is fire and meat - and lots of caffeine -- and
I'm good to go. But the fiancé wants me to take a bigger part in her
previously-mentioned interests. Specifically, that part usually involves me
driving her to the stores on the weekend and agreeing that the EGGSHELL
round tablecloth is much better than our current OFF-WHITE round tablecloth,
or nodding when she points out an ice cream scoop that would match the
design of our other kitchen implements much better than the ice cream scoop
that made up the sum total of kitchen assets I brought into this
relationship. But I digress.

These little shopping excursions are repeated approximately every other
week. Usually first thing in the morning, before the anti-depressive effects
of the caffeine in the coffee really has a chance to kick in. As you can
imagine, these little trips started to wear on me after awhile. I was tired
of the shopping. I just wanted it to stop. But I knew, if I said I was
tired of going to the outlet malls, I may as well just be asking for the
ring back. What was I to do? Well, one day, while waiting to pay for our
new plain-white bottle opener (naturally, to replace my perfectly functional
but promotionally-logoed one that I've used for years) at the local "Bed,
Bath, and Beyond," I saw the product that would fix everything. Rows and
rows of various and sundry mints were shelved along the aisle cap, and on
one, a single word caught my attention, catching my eye as if illuminated by
divine intervention.

"Caffeinated," it said.

They were Penguin Mints. I'd heard of these before, but I'd never actually
found them. Never really believed they existed. I thought they might be
some sort of hacker hallucination...an urban legend...but there they were.
In the Bed, Bath, and Beyond, of all places. I immediately bought three
boxes. One for work, one for the car, and one to keep under my pillow so I
could get to the caffeine first thing in the morning without even getting
out of bed.

Now, when Amy wakes me up at noon on Saturday and wants to drag me out of my
sleep-coma to look for decorative spatulas, I'm actually excited to go
(after popping a few Penguins from under the pillow for that initial
motivation), because I'm always happy to increase my stock of Penguin mints.

On the whole "your mints may have saved my life" tangent, I occasionally
take 16-hour road trips to the Midwest. It is a long, straight, boring drive
with no scenery. Before leaving, I now make sure to stock my glove
compartment with Penguins. I pop a Penguin every 15 minutes or so, with a
bigger cluster if I feel my brain starting to go numb. It keeps me from
needing to stop for coffee every hour, which in turn keeps me from needing
to stop at the restrooms every half hour. So not only does the trip go by
faster since I only need to stop when the car is out of gas, but I never
feel like I'm going to fall asleep and swerve into oncoming traffic.

So, Adam and Brett, thank you.

-Jeff

PS: Let me know if you ever decide to caffeinate beer. Or cows.

-J

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