:: Track Zero ::

:: Monday, November 25, 2002 ::

:: 12:27 AM :: 0 comments ::

jephysics

so while i was showering today (fully clothed, of course...i'd hate for you to have to poke out your mind's eye thinking anything otherwise), i came up with my very own theory on time as the fourth dimension. it's a little out there. so anyway, there's our standard three dimensions...length, width, height...and the fourth dimension, time. now, there are theories of many other dimensions, none of which are as-of-yet proveable, because hey, we can only measure what we're equipped to observe. so time. einstein had his theory of relativity, and I was thinking about both that, and Revelations (mind you, i fancy myself primarily agnostic), which somewhere along the line states that the dead shall rise again. and then there's the Big Bang theory, which has only been around since about 1923 or something within 10 years of that date (too lazy to fact check right now), if you can believe it. so anyway. where are we?

we have:
1) wet, dripping, fully-clothed me
2) four dimensions
3) einstein's theory of relativity
4) Revelations
5) the Big Bang

put 'em all together, and i start thinking, maybe time only appears to be moving forward because the universe is expanding. suppose we (as a universe...or one discreet entity within the multiverse, according to some recent theories) start to collapse in on ourselves in like 10 undecillion years (an undecillion, for those who think i made up the word, is a 1 followed by 36 naughts)...and let's assume, because i just made it up, that time is relative to your exact position in the currently-expanding universe. so if the force from the "Big Bang" were to finally subside, and we were to start drawing back in to the center, all of time would start to reverse itself. time would flow in the opposite direction. einstein's theory of relativity generally holds up, insomuch as his postulation that time slows down as we approach the speed of light...for wouldn't we be travelling ahead along with time in such a scenario? keep in mind, the universe is expanding in all directions at what we should consider an unmeasurable speed, when referencing the void that is Everything. so everything moves away from us. no matter what direction we travelled, even at the speed of light, we'd end up further away from the "center" of whatevertheheck the center is. relativity holds up. now, revalations. if we start to collapse back upon ourselves, if time truly is dependent upon our location in the universe, then things will start to roll back. the "dead" will once again walk the earth, but they'll be walking backwards, and like Mork, they'll go from old to young, most likely unable to change the path at which time unravels, but perhaps not.

and most importantly, at some point, i'll have unwritten this, and you can all stop thinking i'm nuts.

which i am, but that's not really the point now, is it?

-J

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:: 12:03 AM :: 0 comments ::

cheesecake factory

so a cheesecake factory just opened nearby. i've never been to one before. i have a brief selection of comments.

one, i now fully appreciate restaurants with limited selections. i've never had a 20 page menu before, so it was a bit of a shock to me. they've actually had to get sponsors to take out ads to fund their menus. they have over 200 items, and for some reason, they're proud of this. i finally settled on some blackened chicken pasta thing, and it was huge. when we were little, mom used to bring a plate of pasta to the table to serve all four of us...and we usually had leftovers. the pasta in this dish alone was at least as much, then they covered it with chicken and vegetables.

two, with over 45 desserts (35-40 of them were just different flavors of cheesecake), I really wish they made the poor bastards haul out a dessert tray. i tried asking them to, but the guy just stared at me like i'd sprouted a second head. i've gotten that alot lately, ever since i sprouted that second head.

three, they had an excellent martini there. it's called the red square martini, although they served it in the standard inverted-cone type of glass, which is definitely more round than square. anyway, it had a red jalapeño pepper for garnish connected to the glass in a way that i'd be better off photographing then describing, then it was vodka with a red jalapeño infused simple syrup mix. amazingly tasty martini. even the wife liked it, and she is not exactly what one would call a martini fan. apparently, however, i was the first brave sole ever to order this particular drink in the entire history of the restaurant (okay, so this particular branch of the chain has only been open for 5 days, so it isn't quite as impressive), because everyone who saw it -- patron, bartender (except the one who made it), server, etc -- asked what it was and thought it looked pretty interesting.

-J

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:: 12:58 PM :: 0 comments ::

w00t!! w00t!!

see, all i had to do is go posting the minor threat below to my website, and they call me today to tell me that gm has picked up my order. i'll know my vin in a couple weeks, and a car a couple weeks after that. and an insurance bill to end all insurance bills very shortly thereafter, i would assume.

downside is, i'm fairly sure it'll probably be ready to pick up exactly in time for a hail storm.

optimism: a way of life.*

-J
*for those who don't know, long ago and far away i once won a scholarship by giving a speech with that title. hard to believe if you've talked to me lately.

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:: 10:06 PM :: 0 comments ::

vette-watch

so after four months of dealing with him, my sales guy quit this week. and i'm not quite sure yet, but i think the new sales guy might just be a dumbass. i hope i don't have to make a hobby out of him.

this is the one i'm supposed to be getting, by the way:



-J

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:: 8:21 PM :: 0 comments ::

can robots that eat people be that far away?

alright...i'm all for the development of better power sources, such as fuel cell technology...but researchers at the university of texas in austin have gone too far, with what basically amounts to a battery fueled by human blood.

now, i know what you're thinking. and no, i've not had anything to drink tonight. this is, on the surface, a great -- and respectable -- idea...it works by generating power from the glucose-oxygen reaction that takes place in, as mentioned, blood. this sort of power source could be great to power artificial organs, pacemakers, global-government-mandated-birthtime-implant tracking chips for all mankind, and light-up nose rings.

but what happens when some crazed megalomaniacal helper-monkey hell-bent on global domination makes an army of blood-powered robots and they take over the world chaining humans together to create a massive fuel-cell power plant?!?

i just don't think anyone else worries about these things is all.

-J

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:: 10:40 PM :: 0 comments ::

santa would rather have beer than milk

i've finally finished my christmas beers. for those who don't know, i brew my own beer -- primarily for economic purposes. anyway, you can't taste them online, but here are the labels:

Fez Monkey Holiday Ale

Santa's Helper Christmas Ale

that said, happy holidays, and even if you aren't one of the very few people who will receive a bottle of my limited edition holiday beers, please remember, don't drink and drive.

-J


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:: 8:53 PM :: 0 comments ::

In Loving Memory of My Father

Tonight, my father, James Alan Ferris, lost his three-year fight with cancer.

Dad, if you can get on-line where you are, know that I love you, and I already miss you so much...Thanks for making me the person that I am.

Love,

Jeff

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:: 9:15 PM :: 0 comments ::

cool shirts

and for that geek (hint hint) on your list this holiday season, check out error ware. I recommend the Blue Screen of Death.

-J

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:: 9:12 PM :: 0 comments ::

i was born in a small town

so we went to see that brad springstien fellow in concert tonight. thought he did the song "born in a small town," which is what gave me the idea for today's weasel. turns out my wife had the date wrong, and the concert is actually tomorrow night. in a further twist, turns out one of the band members has a detached retina so the whole concert was called off until mid-march. anyway, i realized "born in a small town" was actually by that jack jaguar watermeloncamp character, but it was already too late; i'd composed this whole weasel in my head, needed to post it without letting journalistic standards like accuracy stand in the way

here's some highlights from the census data on my home villiage of beaufort (motto: "we'd have called it BFE, but that's a place you might have heard of") missouri

418 people in 145 households
- 418 of those people are white.
- 418 of those people live in "rural areas or on farms."
only 8 families with a combined household income over 75k.
33% of the homes have 3 or more income-earning individuals.
average combined income for dual-income families is $43,128
median home value is $54,000.

-J

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:: 6:31 PM :: 0 comments ::

uh, by the way

you, too, can be a sponsor if you want to pay me.

just thought i'd mention.

-J

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:: 6:20 PM :: 0 comments ::

and now a word from someone who isn't our sponsor, but could be if they wanted to pay me

the google toolbar keeps getting better and better. if you don't have it, you should get it. after you install it, go to the experimental options and select the box that says "Suppress the onUnload JavaScript event," and it will significantly limit the hyrda-type functions when you try to close a browser window and two more pop up.

-J

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:: 6:13 PM :: 0 comments ::

hooray beer

it's about time that government grants went to something with scientific and social value. but i'm left with some questions:

1. how do i get $300,000 to drink beer?
2. failing that, how do i get on this tasting committee?
3. isn't it possible there could be some other socially redeeming uses for this grant money?

i mean, don't get me wrong...i'd rather it went into beer than into genetically engineering glow-in-the-dark tobacco, but man...i'm pretty sure there are still people with aids and cancer and tourette's syndrom and just basic friggin' hunger that maybe coulda found somewhere for that 300k...

-J

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